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Updated: Apr 15, 2022
Trigger Warning: I need to start off this blog by giving a warning. I will be discussing mental health/suicide and diet/weight topics. I know these topics can be triggering to most - please be gentle with yourself if you do continue reading.
The only way to start off this story is by being brutally honest. It pains me to even say these words.... I was devastated when I found out I was pregnant with a girl. If you are you new here - we have a son who is 2.5 years old. We struggled to get pregnant for many years so we jumped on it to have our 2nd. I just didn't want a daughter.
After leaving the doctor appointment where we were told baby #2 is a girl... lets just say my disappointment was written all over my face. As we told friends and family, everyone said "Oh a girl - that is perfect! You have your boy and now a girl!" But in my typical fashion - I made jokes. "Oh I want to be queen of the castle." "I want to be the only woman in my Husbands life." With close friends and family - I made comments about how I was worried that if my kids would be close and now I couldn't repurpose my older son's clothing. I kept my comments as surface as possible. I didn't want to say the actual words. I absolutely do not want a daughter.
At this point, you might be rolling your eyes. Everything I have said regarding my child's gender is absurd. I really felt none of these things. The ugly truth is that I was so worried that maybe she would look like me.
Let that sink in. I didn't want a daughter because I didn't want her to look like me. A concern I didn't have for my son. Why you might ask? Well I'm 5'10 and have been over 200lbs most of my life. I look like I was built to play football. I have the shoulders of a buffalo and the wingspan of Michael Phelps. I just do not want to put any girl through life living in a body like mine. Going through what I went through. Feeling the way I did.
I've always been the bigger kid - always the tallest kid in my class and even the older class. My earliest memory of someone telling me my body was "bad" was in 3rd grade - but truthfully it really hasn't stopped in my 32 years on this planet. Family members, teachers, classmates, parents of my friends, doctors. Everyone always poked at me and my body. I played a ton of sports growing up - and there wasn't a game where some parent made a comment about "how big" I was and yelling at me and my parents to show them a birth certificate. For a tall boy - you are celebrated. For a tall girl - SHOW ME YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE! How could I willingly bring a girl into the world where she would feel the same way I did. Not worthy of being alive. Not worthy of belonging.
As my daughter grew in my belly, I thought about myself as a child. I thought of how I would parent that little girl. What would I say to her when she tells me that she hates her body? And that is when it hit me. She does belong. She is worthy of love. She is beautiful. Cue the tears.
In imagining my daughter as my younger self - it started to heal wounds I didn't know I had. It's so easy to give advice to someone you love "you look great" "omg don't say that about yourself - you are beautiful!" but when I started talking to my younger self and telling my own self that I was are worthy as if I was her Mother. oh man... it CHANGES YOU.
Having Raegan has been the most healing thing I've ever done. I'm so grateful for that little girl. I love my son too - but Raegan healed me. She is perfect. She belongs. And so does her mama.
