the daughter I didn't want, the daughter that saved me

Trigger Warning: I need to start off this blog by giving a warning. I will be discussing mental health/suicide and diet/weight topics. I know these topics can be triggering to most - please be gentle with yourself if you do continue reading.

The only way to start off this story is by being brutally honest. It pains me to even say these words.... I was devastated when I found out I was pregnant with a girl. If you are you new here - we have a son who is 2.5 years old. We struggled to get pregnant for many years so we jumped on it to have our 2nd. I just didn't want a daughter.

After leaving the doctor appointment where we were told baby #2 is a girl... lets just say my disappointment was written all over my face. As we told friends and family, everyone said "Oh a girl - that is perfect! You have your boy and now a girl!" But in my typical fashion - I made jokes. "Oh I want to be queen of the castle." "I want to be the only woman in my Husbands life." With close friends and family - I made comments about how I was worried that if my kids would be close and now I couldn't repurpose my older son's clothing. I kept my comments as surface as possible. I didn't want to say the actual words. I absolutely do not want a daughter.

At this point, you might be rolling your eyes. Everything I have said regarding my child's gender is absurd. I really felt none of these things. The ugly truth is that I was so worried that maybe she would look like me.

Let that sink in. I didn't want a daughter because I didn't want her to look like me. A concern I didn't have for my son. Why you might ask? Well I'm 5'10 and have been over 200lbs most of my life. I look like I was built to play football. I have the shoulders of a buffalo and the wingspan of Michael Phelps. I just do not want to put any girl through life living in a body like mine. Going through what I went through. Feeling the way I did.

I've always been the bigger kid - always the tallest kid in my class and even the older class. My earliest memory of someone telling me my body was "bad" was in 3rd grade - but truthfully it really hasn't stopped in my 32 years on this planet. Family members, teachers, classmates, parents of my friends, doctors. Everyone always poked at me and my body. I played a ton of sports growing up - and there wasn't a game where some parent made a comment about "how big" I was and yelling at me and my parents to show them a birth certificate. For a tall boy - you are celebrated. For a tall girl - SHOW ME YOUR BIRTH CERTIFICATE! How could I willingly bring a girl into the world where she would feel the same way I did. Not worthy of being alive. Not worthy of belonging.

As my daughter grew in my belly, I thought about myself as a child. I thought of how I would parent that little girl. What would I say to her when she tells me that she hates her body? And that is when it hit me. She does belong. She is worthy of love. She is beautiful. Cue the tears.

In imagining my daughter as my younger self - it started to heal wounds I didn't know I had. It's so easy to give advice to someone you love "you look great" "omg don't say that about yourself - you are beautiful!" but when I started talking to my younger self and telling my own self that I was are worthy as if I was her Mother. oh man... it CHANGES YOU.

Having Raegan has been the most healing thing I've ever done. I'm so grateful for that little girl. I love my son too - but Raegan healed me. She is perfect. She belongs. And so does her mama.

Simple + Affordable Mom Plus Size Outfit

Happy Spring my friends! Sharing today my most favorite simple mom uniform! I took this basic white swim cover up - paired with jeans and a simple sandal. The swim cover up is a little long, so I bunny ear tied it to make it do a normal length tee. But I for sure plan on wearing it long with some jean shorts and a black swim suit to the beach!

Links to these items are below!

shop my look here:

2 under 2 must haves

My youngest baby is 9 months old, which means I have *almost* survived the infant stage! Now I need to mustard the strength to survive the toddler phase. With 2 under 2, life is hmmm fun, noisy, and everything is sticky.

Having 2 kids 14 months apart was no accident. It took us almost 3 years to get pregnant with our oldest, so we wanted to capitalize on my increased fertility postpartum. We love having two kiddos so close in age! We hope they will be best friends!

Because we knew we'd be trying to have another baby immediately, we made sure to invest in really good quality baby gear since it would get a lot of use. And today I'm sharing my absolute must haves for baby. Whether you are having multiples or have plans to have babies close together, or if you are looking to survive the infant phase with your dignity and some really good baby gear - these are the absolute best items!

Every item listed here I purchased myself and would purchase again and again. I ALWAYS make sure my new mom friends have these things in their lives because truly, these are the best.

Number One- Diaper Backpack

You absolutely need a diaper backpack. I highly recommend one that has a firm bottom. It makes it so much easier when you are try to change a diaper in a restroom. I can easily rest it between my feet, and reach it and grab what I need out. I know there are some other popular brands out there that have diaper backpacks but they don't have firm bottoms. It would be so hard to quickly see what you need and grab it out all while trying to keep a wiggly baby on a changing table. I personally have the freshly picked bag and I LOVE it. It comes in so many great colors, so you can be a stylish parent!

Number Two - Dual Camera Baby Monitor

I highly recommend getting a two camera baby monitor. We have a camera in each kids room and it will switch back and forth on our monitor in our room. That way we can quickly check in on both kids through out the night. It switches back and forth every few seconds so you don't miss a beat!

Number Three - Double Stroller

We have the Uppababy Vista and its by far our favorite baby purchase. We are a very active family, we love to travel, go to restaurants, go for long walks, find new parks. So basically what I'm saying is that we have put SOME MILES ON THIS STROLLER. And seriously its so great. It looks like its basically brand new. It was so easy to convert to a double stroller. And as our oldest wants more and more freedom, but still has tiny legs... we can easily add on the ridealong board in the back of the stroller. If he doesn't want to ride in the stroller, he can ride on the back! It's the perfect way to get him moving faster while also letting him think he has free will. Oh the terrible twos!

Number Four- White Noise Machine

You might think all white noise machines are equal and you'd be incredibly incorrect. We tried some of the cheaper white noise machines but they weren't loud enough. We ended up with a Hatch Baby Rest and we love it. In fact both kids have one, my parents have one, and now I have one in my room. It connects to bluetooth, so you can slowly turn the sound down from your phone or turn a light on to help your kiddos wake up more naturally. Also when the kids get older, you can associate a color to when they are allowed to get out of their beds. So if they wake up at night and don't see that its green, then they have to stay in their beds. It helps eliminate kids waking up in the middle of the night and walking to your room to wake you up because they don't understand time. Kids sleep cycles are about an hour long, so we wanted to avoid being woken up multiple times a night. It's a easy way for them to understand it's time to be sleeping.

Number Five - Bottle Drying Station

When you've 2 under 2, you are always changing diapers and ALWAYS washing bottles. Having a bottle drying station makes things so easy. As much as I hate looking at bottles on the kitchen counter, there is absolutely no point in putting them away. Its a season of life, and maybe someday soon I can have pretty things again. In the meantime its all about ease.

Links to all of the items mentioned are linked below!